I'm gonna run on and see what the ends gonna be...

There is nothing left to do but keep pushing. I've been looking for a full time job in the new city that I'm in for 6 months. I won't even think about the 16 months I spent desiring a job or a better job where I used to live or even the 6 months before then when I was unemployed.


This storm is particularly discouraging because it is causing me to lose faith in myself and question my worth (ie. "maybe I'm not good enough", "does God not want me to be happy" etc.)

It's even more discouraging because I am not alone and I see my brothers and sisters in Christ becoming more and more despondent to His promises.

I am now at the point where I know God is there, and I know that He will do it, I don't know why He hasn't done it and I don't care because all I want is for Him to do it now!

Who cares why things happen. God is in control and it is a part of His plan. I don't need to know why it seems like God may not make a way for me to do the things that I desire (like work full-time!). For all I know it could be to bring Him more glory when He comes through in the nick of time or for me to learn how to trust and obey in spite of it all.

Either way this storm is stretching me to the point of discomfort. I want to sow more in to the kingdom and travel and have the funds to do things, good things.

I can list dozens of reasons why I believe I should be working more, why I am applying for these jobs etc. but until God does it I am left feeling like it is all in vain. I am now asking God to show Himself in my life.

Ps. 42 says "how long will they ask where is your God?" and that is my question to God. I am the closest some people get to Jesus and how does it look that I worship, fellowship, fast and tithe all in faith and still do not have what I have desired and asked for in prayer? Is He trying to make me stop caring about what people think or say or even maybe He wants me to draw even closer to Him. The more I am out of work the more hard it becomes to have that peace that surpasses understanding.

Oh, how my heart is heavy and my spirit is overwhelmed. I know He is there but I can't feel Him. If it's me I ask for Him to change that. I haven't been able to say a thank you from my spirit for His goodness in a long while.

I need Him now